muckkles:

nanyangosaurus:

muckkles:

me: my local dominos has gotten my order wrong the last 9 times ive ordered from there but ive never called to complain and i also still tip the driver $5+ because i know those poor saps are overworked and underpaid 

saint peter: ur literally the only person allowed into heaven

I’ll be the first person in hell then because I specifically order pizza on rush hours and I live downtown so I’m 100% sure that they’ll be late and owe me a discount.

moshgoblin:

idolatrys:

My new favorite thing is realtors adding “NOT HAUNTED” to for sale signs, completely convincing any sane person that the house is definitely haunted.

me, a middle-aged white man in the midwest with marriage troubles and two kids that need a fresh start in a new town: